I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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