I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
