Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
