Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
