omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
