Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
