Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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