Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
