She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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