Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
last night I used snow as a chaser
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
