I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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