i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
