my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
