Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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