oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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