She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This baby is an asshole
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
