I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
