you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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