life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
