Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
