a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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