I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
