Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I wear drunk well.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
