She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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