I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
