I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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