you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
