Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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