Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
