i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
