Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
