I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
