hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
