i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
