i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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