Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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