Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
