we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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