my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
