Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
