My liver just broke up with me...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I enjoy the company of your penis
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
