Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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