i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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