Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We need to get me chipped asap
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
