Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
