I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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