She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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