The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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