I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
