The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
