John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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