Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
