That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
