my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
