just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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