Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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