1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just pee around me
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
