I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
